


Bruises

by the_lights_and_the_roses



Category: 9-1-1 (TV), 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Buck and Eddie have terrible communication skills with each other, Buck is in Texas, Crossover, Depression, Eddie is in Angst, FightClub!Eddie, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, References to drug addiction (as in LS canon), Second Chances, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23577469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_lights_and_the_roses/pseuds/the_lights_and_the_roses
Summary: Buck never took Owen Strand’s invite to join the 126 seriously; he belonged with the 118. However, the 118 doesn’t want him back, that much is clear. He’s burned all his bridges with the lawsuit so now he’s taking a different way - in Texas of all places.Eddie knows this isn’t the right path; he knows he’s heading for self-destruction but he’s just so angry all the time and it’s the only thing that helps.Their paths might have diverged but can they ever get back to how, or who, they were before?
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 78
Kudos: 618
Collections: 9 1 1, L O N E  S T A R





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to the lovely folk in the discord for encouraging me to pursue this idea!  
> As always I don’t own anything to do with 9-1-1 and don’t claim to.  
> This fic is quite different for me as it's my first crossover and the first time I've done this style of POV - just to make things interesting.  
> I'm really excited to see what you guys think of this!

Buck

If he’s honest, this whole thing is the definition of petty. It might be the most immature, duplicitous thing he’s done since Buck 1.0.

Buck hopes this will get back to Bobby and the FD; he needs them to just listen to him because he is fine. Surely the tsunami proved that.

He can’t be a fire marshall forever.

He needs to get back home; he needs to be back at his station where he belongs. He shouldn’t have to be in Texas right now.

The call from Captain Owen Strand was a surprise to say the least. Buck thought maybe Chim or Eddie were playing a practical joke at first, but it was genuine.

Owen Strand is putting an entire house together in Austin. Buck had read about the tragedy in Texas; to be honest, this was part of what made what he was doing so wrong - it was tawdry and seedy to use it to his own advantage. Captain Strand is putting the 126 back together from scratch. A phoenix rising from the ashes.

He was the one who called Buck, asked him to come down to Texas.

In a way, Buck can’t believe it. Why would anyone want him to join their station? He’s the guy whose leg got crushed by a fire truck and random bystanders had to help lift it off him. You can find the whole sorry thing online, it’s been set to some rousing soundtrack that’s meant to make you feel good about humanity.

It makes Buck feel like shit.

It might be those people’s best moments, an example of their common decency and appreciation but it’s one of Buck worst memories.

Maybe that’s what it’s all about; Owen Strand needs a symbol and Buck can be that. He has no idea what he’s a symbol of but it makes more sense than them wanting him for just his abilities. He’s heard Strand is trying to put together the very best team. Months ago, that would have been something - a status he wanted and probably felt entitled to. Everything is different now. A part of him thinks if he were that good, he wouldn’t have to fight so hard to get back to work.

There is the tiniest part of him that’s curious though because LAFD are making it clear to Bobby that they see him as a liability while he’s on these tablets. If Owen Strand wants him to be part of his super team, then maybe he can use this. Maybe he can prove to the LAFD he isn’t a liability. They’ll have to let Bobby let him return then.

That’s why he’s in Texas. That’s why he’s just pulled up to the 126 station in Austin.

******

The 126 is under construction. There are contractors all around and a table set up that Captain Strand and a colleague are sitting at. It’s a strange setting for an interview; Buck thinks they might be taken the whole building the house from scratch notion a little too seriously.

Buck notices that his colleague has the surname on his name badge; son maybe, or nephew?

“Evan Buckley,” Captain Strand stands up to greet him cheerfully, “you made it. How was your flight?”

“Good, thanks. Buck, I - I usually go by Buck.”

“Buck? Sure. So, are you staying in Texas long?”

“I fly back tonight so unfortunately not.” Buck can’t exactly tell Owen that this is just a process he’s following to get back to his real fire station.

“Thank you for coming down,” Owen says. Both Owen and TK have thin cardboard folders open; Buck is tempted to ask what information they have on him. Why is he even here? Why him?

Look, Buck doesn’t want to move to Texas. He likes LA - it’s the first place he’s felt at home after years of restlessness. In fact, the 118 might be the only place that has ever truly been a home to him. Buck meant what he told the lawyer the day before; they’re his family.

“So, you probably know why I called you. I’m putting a new team together and I would like you to join us.”

He’s like Nick Fury tapping Buck for the Avengers. Owen Strand has that quiet authority and Buck can’t deny he’s flattered and tempted all at once.

Owen starts to tell him about the sort of team he’s building; what he’s looking for. He wants this station to be the very best. It’s rousing stuff. Buck is tempted; listening to Owen’s passion, he wants to be a part of this.

“You have an impressive record. I saw the footage of you on the news-“

Buck pales. So that’s what this is; it isn’t even that Owen wants him on his team, is it? It’s the guy who got trapped under a truck with an idiot teenager threatening to kill him and probably everyone else around. Owen wants the person who triggered a basic act of decency.

“Yeah?”

“They called you Spiderman, huh?”

Buck isn’t sure what his expression is right now, but he expected surprise is definitely there somewhere. He’d almost forgotten that save — or rather, it wasn’t a save, was it? He’d lost someone, his first person that day.

“You thought we meant the incident with Freddie Costas?” TK says. He’s definitely Owen’s son; they have the same look, the same hair. He’s regarding Buck with careful consideration.

“Maybe.”

“Your record speaks for itself; there are some impressive saves in here. A few interesting reprimands-“

“Yeah, I was a bit of an idiot back then - it was a phase? I uh-learned my lesson though and my record since then is-“

“It’s exemplary. So then why are you behind a desk and not out where you should be?” Owen asks. Look, if Buck had a decent answer for that he’d be a happy man.

“I had a slight health issue before I returned to work after the truck incident, they uh - look, I had a couple of clots but it’s not a big deal and they don’t think it’s like, going to be a long term issue. It’s probably because of the screws or surgeries. Anyway I’m on blood thinners temporarily and the LAFD won’t sign me off on coming back.”

“The LAFD won’t?”

“Yeah - it’s sort of political, I think? I don’t know.”

Owen is looking at him with a particularly thoughtful expression. Buck can see where this is going; he’s going to do what the LAFD are doing. He thinks Buck is too much of a risk, of a liability.

“That doesn’t have to mean the end,” Owen says quietly. “We can make some adjustments, make sure the right processes are in place.”

“R-really?”

“Yeah.” Even TK is looking at Owen in surprise. How is this possible, can Captain Strand really make this happen.

This is almost too good to be true and Buck doesn’t understand why Owen is saying it doesn’t matter and back in LA they won’t let him back.

“You already knew about the blood thinners, didn’t you?”

“I heard something from a friend in LA, they suggested you actually. Said something about how you were on blood thinners in the middle of a tsunami, off-duty on sick leave after a pulmonary embolism and you still saved numerous lives that day - dozens from the reports they heard. That’s the person I want on my team, that’s who I want in the 126. It’s why you’re here.”

“It’s not just about you though, would the fire department sign off on it? On me being on active duty because I’m not staying behind a desk. I belong out there, you see that, right?”

Owen smirks, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I can make it happen. Look at your record, Buck, you don’t belong behind a desk. Not yet.”

No, Buck can’t do this. This is meant to be about going back to the 118. He can’t be tempted by this offer. How would it even work? Could he really just uproot his life and move to Texas? He’d have to leave Maddie, leave Eddie and Christopher.

This has been a welcome diversion but Buck needs to remember his end goal.

“I-I need to level with you,” Buck says, “I am genuinely really grateful you called me. I kinda can’t believe it and that you’d help me get out from behind the desk. I belong with the 118 though in LA. I need to get back to them and I think Bobby, my captain there, he’s going to do the same thing s you and- I really, really hope you get the team you’re looking for, I think you’re going to do something pretty great. I kinda want to stick around to see it but I - don’t want to waste any more of your time. Thank you, honestly.”

Buck stands up, reaches out to shake both Owen and TK’s hands and then makes his way out of the building.

“Buck,” Owen calls as Buck reaches the doorway, “If you ever change your mind, call me.”

He hears TK says something just before he walks out. “You know that this whole thing was about him trying to get back to his old house, right, Dad? Did you really think he’d go for this?”

“I don’t know, TK, I thought he’d be a good fit. It’s fine, what is that they say? Nothing ventured, nothing gained?”

Buck knows where he needs to be. Athena’s invited him around for dinner tomorrow evening and he wants to talk to Bobby; he’s been thinking about the lawyer from the building inspection and he might have an idea about how maybe he can get the team to help him get back to the 118. Back home.

The 126 sounds great, it sounds amazing, but it isn’t Buck’s home.

_******_

There’s no coming back from this.

It doesn’t seem like it’s only been a couple of weeks since Athena invited Buck to dinner and he found out Bobby was why he wasn’t back at the 118. Bobby, who he thought was his friend and had his back. It turned out he was on his own. Now everything’s gone wrong. The lawsuit seemed like a good idea at the time; in fact the only good idea. He needed to get back where he belonged.

Then the arbitration happened and everything that Buck had mentioned to Chase was used against the 118 - even the personal stuff. Buck doesn’t think he will ever forget the way Eddie’s face changed when Chase mentioned Shannon.

Buck had gone to the grocery store to make amends, even he could see things had gone too far but that hadn’t gone well at all.

_You’re exhausting… somehow we just manage to suck it up._

Buck left the grocery store hours ago and the combination of the argument and then watching them help at the accident - perfectly organised with Lena slotted in where Buck used to be - was all the confirmation he needed.

It’s over.

Sometimes things are broken beyond repair. Buck has spent so long trying to get back, trying to get home, he didn’t even notice that he had burned the whole house down in the process.

Eddie and him - they’re not going to recover from this. Anyone could see that. He’s lost his best friend. Buck thinks of all the times Eddie came around to his apartment when Buck was in physio after his leg injury, the way their friendship had been everything to him. It still is.

He can’t pretend that there wasn’t something more at play; something that was almost terrifying to think about too much. Buck felt more for Eddie than he should. For a moment, he’d thought it was reciprocated. He’d been trying to get back to the 118 and Eddie so he could see if there was a chance it could turn into something real.

It’s too late now though. He can see clearly and it’s a sorry mess.

It isn’t just the 118, his friends - his _family -_ he is mourning for now. It’s that potential; that chance of something real - he’s mourning an entire future he never got to have. It’s over before it could ever begin.

He wishes this was a bluff; he is desperate for his team to do something, to intervene and make him stop. He never meant to take Owen Strand’s offer seriously, but now? Now it seems like the only thing that makes sense; the only tangible choice he has.

It’s not a bluff. This is real.

Buck isn’t quitting a fight, he can just see now that this stopped being a fight some time ago. Buck isn’t even sure what this is anymore but his bridge with the 118 is burnt. Chase was right when he warned Buck about what the lawsuit would do at the start of this process; Buck didn’t listen, he just wanted to be back where he belonged.

 _He_ did this. It’s on Buck and only Buck can fix this.

He has two calls to make.

He needs to call Chase and drop this lawsuit; it was never meant to go this far. It was never about money. It was the wrong move.

Then Buck needs to call Captain Strand.

It’s time to start moving forward.

******

Eddie

It hasn’t been a great week for Eddie. He’s been arrested for the first time in his life; he can’t talk to his best friend because his best friend is suing both his workplace and Bobby. Why would he sue Bobby personally of all people- what is Buck hoping to achieve?

That was all bad enough but the arbitration for Buck’s lawsuit? That was a new whole new level of low in his week. How could Buck tell some sleazy lawyer about Shannon?

Eddie is so angry all of the time he’s exhausted.

How do you explain to a nine year old that no, Buck can’t come over because he’s currently suing Dad’s workplace and they’re not allowed to talk? When Buck had said in the grocery store the lawsuit he wasn’t banned from speaking to Christopher, Eddie just wanted to scream. That wasn’t the damn point.

Eddie rubs a bruise on his elbow as he makes his way up the stairs. It’s hidden by his shirt because he doesn’t want everyone at work to see them; to ask piercing questions. Lena took to him the fight club after a shift earlier in the week. At first, Eddie thought it was stupid but she was right; it helps.

He’s gone back since then. It’s about the only thing that helps. He is so full of rage and anger and hurt and grief. He’s lost too much recently and he keeps letting down Christopher.

Buck is standing in the firehouse, near the kitchen. He looks uncomfortable and younger than usual.

“Hey, um, I hope you don’t mind. I realised you were on a call so I waited.” Buck sounds nervous, fiddling with the edge of his grey top. Eddie almost feels a wave of sympathy taking over him. Almost.

Eddie looks around; all of his team are regarding Buck uncertainly. The last time they saw him was the failed shopping exercise. Eddie was furious, he couldn’t help it; Hen had to tried to talk to him afterwards but it didn’t really work, didn’t help him. Lena’s suggestion? That had helped.

He doesn’t know what to say to Buck. Part of him wants to yell at Buck, to make him understand the damage to their friendship. He _needed_ Buck and the stupid lawsuit meant he couldn’t have any contact with his best friend. Was Eddie so meaningless to Buck that that was okay? Their friendship clearly didn’t mean anything to Buck because he didn’t even have the decency to tell Eddie what was about to happen.

Bobby told him, Bobby told him as he told the whole team that Buck was suing the department and Bobby personally

“I need to say something, it’s not easy,” Buck says after a pause, scrunching his face up. He almost looks in pain. Is it that hard for the kid to apologise? “If you don’t the lawsuit is over, I dropped it. Look, I only went through with the lawsuit because I thought it would be a way back. I just wanted to get back to you, to my family. I was so mad that I’m ready and Bobby - I thought you had my back but you were the one stopping me coming back. I didn’t mean to blow everything up. I didn’t think Chase would use all that stuff in the arbitration - it was never meant to get that far.”

“It did though,” Eddie says flatly, “you told him about _Shannon_. I was asked about my dead wife to what - help you get money from the department?”

“No, it wasn’t about money. I don’t care about that, it was about coming back.”

“Does that make it any better? I mean it looks like you told him _everything_ , Buck, every personal thing to help you get back to work? How is that being part of a team?” Eddie can’t help himself; he’s still furious, still raging and he doesn’t know how to stop. “Being a part of a team means if your Captain says you’re not ready, you’re not ready.”

“I realise that it didn’t go how I thought it would - it wasn’t what I wanted and I mean that. It’s why I’m here. You see, I’ve been thinking and I don’t think we can go back to how we were anymore. I can tell it’s too damaged. I was so focused on getting back to you all, I didn’t even think of everything I was destroying to get there and now I can see that it’s - it’s irreparable. I’m sorry for that.”

“Buck-“ Hen says softly, but Buck shakes his head.

“I’m leaving. Maddie knows, I’ve just come from her place.”

Chim quickly checks his phone. “That would be what the missed calls are about then,” he says. “Leaving? What do you mean?”

“Buck, you can’t be serious here. You can’t threaten to quit every time the FD or I say you’re not ready. This doesn’t help you at all - it’s just as bad as the lawsuit was,” Bobby says firmly.

“I know, but it’s not your problem anymore. It’s not the LAFD’s problem either - I’ve already filed the paperwork and uh - under the circumstances, they’ve agreed to expedite things.” Buck pauses, shuts his eyes and swallows. “I’m sorry that I hurt you guys, it was never what I wanted. This was never meant to happen.” His voice is choked with emotion.

“What do you mean you’re leaving?” Chim asks suddenly. Eddie’s filled with a sudden dread; they have all talked about how little Buck has outside of the 118. Where is he going if he’s leaving?

“I’ve been offered another job and I’m taking it. This isn’t about getting back here, Bobby, I need to move forward and I can’t do that with the 118.”

“Buck?” Eddie asks because he’s getting a sinking feeling that isn’t a ploy, that some line has been crossed and everything is about to change.

“What job?” Bobby asks, Eddie notices he looks a little pale, like Buck’s words are sinking in and the gravity of the mess they’re in.

“Did you hear about that explosion in Texas - the one that they lost a whole station company on? This guy, Owen Strand, he’s from New York and they’ve bought him in to build a new house because he’s the only guy who has ever done that before. Anyway, he called me a while ago and wanted me to join. I said no originally, but I called him yesterday.”

“What about the blood thinners?” Chim asks.

“They’re fine with it. That was the whole point, Chim - I’m _ready_ to come back, I’ve been ready. That was all I was trying to do. I just get it’s too late now to come back here.”

“Buck, if this is a bluff-”

“It’s not. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to do, but it’s the right one, even though it hurts.” It can’t be right, there is no way it can be right.

“You’re leaving LA?” Eddie finally asks. Buck can’t do that, this isn’t how it’s supposed to work.

“Yeah. I’d really like to see Christopher before I go. If you’re good with that?” Buck is going to break his son’s heart. It’s been bad enough with the lawsuit. “I could come over, after your shift, or when it works for you?”

Eddie doesn’t reply; he shrugs because he can’t quite process what is happening.

The grocery store. Is that why this is happening? Yes, Eddie was angry, how could he not be but this was not meant to happen. Eddie always assumed that at some point, when the rage dissipated him and Buck would just go back to normal.

Buck’s his best friend.

Buck isn’t being serious here. It’s like the lawsuit, it’s another play.

He’s not actually going to leave, isn’t he? He can’t.

***

Buck is leaving. He’s actually leaving; he’s given up his apartment lease, and he’s arranged the shipping of his belongings - the ones he hasn’t donated or can’t fit in his truck. He leaves tomorrow and it’s hitting Eddie that this is real. This is really going to happen.

He can’t do anything about it.

Buck is saying goodbye to Christopher and Eddie has no idea how everything has spiralled so out of control, but it has. Carla is here and Buck arranged to come when she was there, because apparently Eddie is now too reckless, too angry to be around alone. Or maybe Buck is too afraid to actually have a proper conversation with Eddie because he knows Eddie will call him out, call out the idiocy of this scheme.

This is the most stupid, reckless, cowardly thing Buck will ever do.

“So, you’ve got my number and we can video call whenever you want, honestly whenever - whatever time it is - okay Superman? You can use Carla’s phone, or your - I think if you ask your Dad, maybe he’ll let you. I’m still going to be around and I’ll come visit and we can hang out. I’m only going to Texas, it’s not that far. It’s not like it’s Australia or something. I am going to miss you a lot, buddy.” It’s a 20 hour drive to Austin from LA, it’s a three hour flight, it’s _hardly_ close. Eddie won’t be able to go around to Buck’s for a movie night, or the three of them go to the park with Christopher.

Has Buck even thought this through or is he just acting on impulse like always?

“Why are you leaving then?” Christopher asks plaintively and it breaks Eddie’s heart.

“I got offered a job, a really good one and I have to take a risk and go for it, even though I don’t want to leave LA. It is just one of those things. I will miss you so much.” Buck sounds like he’s fighting tears and there’s a sick part of Eddie that’s glad. Maybe he’ll realise how stupid this, how wrong.

Eddie watches him hug his son; the way Buck lightly squeezes like he’s trying to set the memory in his mind.

Christopher heads to the kitchen to see Carla and it’s just the two of them in the room. There’s a tension over them, thick and heavy like smog. It’s suffocating.

How has it come to this?

There was something there, once. Weeks ago before the lawsuit. It was this atmosphere and Eddie didn’t really know what it meant about him or Buck, but he could tell Buck felt the same. They were wordlessly working out how to move forward with that and then Buck had a pulmonary embolism. Now they’ll never know.

“So,” Buck says, making some sort of hand gesture or shrug and then looking at Eddie. He looks lost, how on earth is going to do this? To leave everyone. “Thanks for letting me see Christopher.”

“I did for him, not you.” It isn’t true, it isn’t true in the slightest but Eddie’s hurting and angry and he just wants Buck to feel the same. Buck didn’t have to see Christopher cry and tell Eddie to fix things when Eddie told him what was happening. Christopher’s nightmares are only just in the most loose sense of control and Buck’s leaving?

It shouldn’t be easy to leave. It shouldn’t. Does he want Eddie to make it easy for him?

“He thought it was because of him,” Eddie says, “I needed him to know it was all about you.”

“Eddie, I-I never wanted this.” There are tears in his eyes and a hateful, awful side of Eddie is a little pleased.

“Why can’t you just suck it up? Stay and be a fire marshall, you seemed happy, but no- you’ve got to be the hero, right? You can’t just be satisfied with what you have. You’re going to go off to Austin so you can stay the hero, and that’s what it’s really about. You can’t pretend any differently, not with me.”

“I was miserable behind a desk, I need to be out there - it is the only thing I am good at, Eddie.”

“So that means more than anyone else? Maddie? Bobby? Christopher … me?” Why can’t Christopher and him be enough? What is it with Buck and his reckless hero complex?

“It’s different. I didn’t rush into this but I can see that everything I did to get back to you guys, it just pushed us further away. I’m not disappearing - we can still talk, I want us to. When things calm down - I don’t want to lose you, I just think I already have. I hope I’m wrong - I hope this isn’t the way it is. I think we can - maybe in time?”

Buck moves forward like he’s thinking about hugging Eddie but then steps back, smiles sadly. How did they get to this point of no return? How did they break so badly?

“You’re so selfish sometimes it beggars belief,” Eddie says in response, because there a thousand things he wants to say to Buck but he can’t vocalise any of them. “It’s all about you, you don’t care about anyone else. So yeah, I guess we are past that point now because you’re not even staying, you don’t even want to stay.” If Buck is really leaving him, if Buck can hurt him like this then Eddie will damn well do the same.

Buck inhales sharply and there are tears in his eyes and Eddie feels like a complete asshole. Buck exhales.

“Well, I’m going to talk to Carla and then I’ll be out of your hair.”

Why does this hurt like Shannon?

It doesn’t matter. None of it does.

Everybody leaves Eddie in the end. He’s alone in this fight.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much for your lovely comments, messages and kudos. I have been completely overwhelmed by the response so far from all of you <3
> 
> I’m incorporating moments and calls from both 9-1-1 and Lone Star but the timeline for this fic doesn’t exactly follow either show so please bear in mind that this is therefore not fully canon-compliant.

Buck

Moving across the country is not as simple as it sounds. The last time Buck did a big move he went from South America to LA and it was a breeze. He had thought this would be the same.

He was wrong. Very wrong.

It turns that last time, he essentially was living in his backpack, which made things a lot easier. You can easily plan a move from South America to Los Angeles no problem when everything fits in a single bag. You just need a passport, money and a ticket.

The problem this time around was Buck now owned too much stuff; it was hard because it turned out the cost of transporting his stuff to Austin was unreal, even with the relocation support he’d been offered so he’d picked a few items that because of the cost it made sense to move and the rest was donated - Maddie had helped him work out what items were better to ship and which were better to sell or donate and get in Austin.

Moving was complicated. Way too complicated. 

It led Buck to now, grappling with flat-pack furniture he’d picked up the day before as he tried to assemble his TV stand.

The last time he moved, he had Ali who picked furniture for him and helped him turn the empty loft into something pretty cool. Eddie had come around to help assemble furniture and Maddie had been there.

He can’t exactly ask his new team though; not when he hasn’t even met them yet.

Buck’s exhausted from the last few days though and as long as the bed is there and food is in the fridge, surely everything else can be lower on his priority list?

He looks around the living room which is scattered with boxes and half assembled furniture. It takes him back to the week before, to when he was packing up his apartment and his last conversation with Bobby.

_“You’re really doing this?” Bobby asks in disbelief. Buck’s starting to think that everyone believes he is just doing this to get back to the 118 - like he could ever go back. Can’t they see that?_

_There’s something freeing about realising that you’ve passed a point of no return. Ever since Buck made the decision and call Owen Strand; the constant nagging anxiety has started to abate._

_He isn’t okay, he knows he isn’t. Saying goodbye to Christopher - and the way everything had gone so wrong with Eddie - that was one of the hardest moments. Buck just wants his best friend back._

_It isn’t going to happen though. Only recognising that loss is a hell of a lot more painful than leaving the 118._

_Buck labels the box he’s just finished taping up as ‘Donate’ and looks up at Bobby. “Yeah, I am.”_

_“How do you know they’ll have your back, or even let you out on calls? Your medication makes you-“_

_“They’re figuring it out, Bobby. They’re doing more than you did - more than you wanted to. I’ve spoken to Captain Strand and we’ve been talking about ways”_

_“I was trying to protect you, I was trying to look out for you. It wasn’t meant to push you away.”_

_“But it did, Bobby,” he says, “I think we probably both pushed, probably both thought we were right, and somehow in the process we ended up breaking everything. I don’t think either of us wanted this.”_

_For a moment the two of them merely stand there in silence. Buck feels like the gap between them has widened to an entire chasm. He’s not angry anymore, he’s just sad._

_”You’re really doing this,” Bobby repeats but the question is gone and Bobby sounds as upset as Buck feels. “If you need me, at any point, you can call.”_

_It’s an olive branch and while part of Buck really wants to throw it in his face; the same way Eddie did with Buck, he doesn’t._

_“Will do,” he says._

_They both know Buck won’t call. This is a part of his life that needs to be over now. For everyone. They just need to move on._

Buck unpacks the last box and looks around his new home; or house, it doesn’t quite feel his yet. There are no memories, it’s just a blank canvas at the moment.

It turns out he can get a lot more for his money here than in LA. The rental is pretty great, especially as he’d only seen it online before signing up which was potentially a massive mistake; it matches the photos tough. Buck’s new abode is a bungalow with a spacious balcony and garden and everything is newly refurbished and renovated. He can virtually smell the paint still drying.

It’s weird; just a couple of years ago he was renting spare rooms and had never lived on his own. Now it doesn’t phase him at all; plus he can afford to live on his own, to be independent.

He gets why Maddie needed to find her own place when she came to LA quickly; it helps. It’s a little like putting down roots. Buck isn’t sure how he feels about that; to set down some type of permanence already, he doesn’t think he has another choice though.

*****

First days are always nerve-racking, Buck knows that. It’s like being transported to being a child again on the first day of school. Buck turns the ignition off in his truck and looks at the fire station in front of him.

He’s got this. He can do this.

This is a second chance; a clean slate. He can be Buck 3.0 this time around.

This isn’t the 118; the 126 is a completely unknown entity. It’s not like he thought everything would work out.

He’d always thought he’d be walking back into the 118.

Your work colleagues aren’t your family; he can see that now. It’s taken over 1200 miles for him to realise how few people he has in his life - how everything has been about coming back to the 118 and there’s been nothing outside of it for some time.

All he has is his job; the ability to help people - to get to be the badass and be a positive balance to the world at the some time.

As he walks inside he can see there’s been a real transformation since he was last here. The contractors are long gone and despite the concrete, nondescript exterior the interior is like someone has designed the ultimate, modern fire station. It’s all gleaming equipment and open spaces.

Buck is excited and terrified and 100% composed of adrenaline. This is like a dream.

“Quite the update, huh?” Owen Strand says, walking forward to greet Buck. He shakes Buck’s hand. “Like I said, I was pleased to get your call, welcome to the 126, Buck.”

“Thanks Cap, this - this is some set-up!” Buck says, whistling as he looks around what he can see of the station.

“Thank you, I’ll give you the tour, show you where the coffee is - very important, our coffee machine is amazing, no word of a lie - and then we’ll go through the paperwork in my office, introduce you to the team properly as we do our morning briefing and that should cover the basics.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Owen leads Buck through the station, through to the kitchen. Unlike the 118, the main kitchen is downstairs and Buck knows it will take a little time to acclimatise. There’s a very expensive looking coffee machine in pride of place; it looks professional with the milk steamer attachment included and it’s shining chrome.

“You a coffee person?” Owen asks.

“Definitely,” Buck says - he isn’t necessarily a coffee snob, but he knows the difference between a flat white and latte. One of the bars he used to tend at while he was applying for the fire academy had a coffee machine a little like the one in front of him. It felt mostly decarative

“Now, this coffee machine is fantastic, I got it from -“ Buck tunes out for a second because it can’t be that easy. He’s waiting, waiting for the punchline - the revelation that things aren’t going to be okay.

Nothing happens though.

Owen’s office is like the rest of the station; open and bright with clean, modern lines. It’s the sort of environment you can’t help but want to work in.

There’s a rock of some type on his desk in pride of place which seems a little strange but clearly has some real significance to his new Captain.

“I was a little surprised to get your call,” Owen says finally, regarding Buck with what he can only describe as a thoughtful expression. “I got the impression the only thing you cared about was getting back to your old house.“

Buck reddens and looks down. “It was - yeah, originally that’s what I thought I wanted, but I realised that sometimes going back just because it’s known isn’t the best thing and sometimes it’s good to move on.” It’s a half-truth, it’s palatable. “A fresh start? That’s pretty rare.”

Owen nods. “Well, whatever it was, I’m glad you chose to come on board. It’s good to have you here.” Owen pauses for a moment, like he wants to say something but doesn’t know how to say it.

“Thank you, and for whatever you had to do to get the department over the line on my medication.”

“It’s not a problem, Buck, we’ve got processes in place and where a task is too high risk for certain injuries, then we’ll look at how we can adapt to that but I’m not anticipating too much chance of that.”

“Yeah, what are the calls like? LA was an interesting mix.”

“We get a range, like any department, but definitely some interesting ones. One thing to know is medical calls here are ran by-”

“Paramedic captain. I downloaded the county manual,” Buck says automatically.

“Yeah?”

Buck colours slightly. He always does this, when there’s something new or worrying, research has always been the way he copes. Knowledge is power, right?

“It was a long road trip and the motel on the way - well, the TV was broken,” he says casually.

“Let’s get you settled in, get to know the team - they’re great, if I can say so myself - and welcome to the 126. So have you got paperwork I sent through?”

Buck hands over the completed forms, almost unable to believe he’s really here. He’s really doing this.

Buck’s back. Buck’s finally doing what he’s meant to be doing again.

*****

The tour of the station confirms to Buck that he’s made a good choice; everything is new, state of the art and there’s so much attention to detail. It’s almost overwhelming because why is he here? A couple of years ago, this would have been a nothing to him - a mere confirmation of what he deserved - but now he’s not so sure, not so certain. Time changes you and Buck knows intrinsically that so much of how he has changed is for the better but it exposed how much of him was just bravado and now he doesn’t always feel so badass.

“Right, let’s introduce you to the team,” Owen says.

“Sure thing, Cap.”

This is the moment. This is the point where all the possible pathways in Austin are going to diverge from.

“Alright everyone, this is Buck, he’s joined us from LAFD - Buck, this is the rest of the 126.”

TK raises a hand up languidly in greeting as the rest of the crowd introduce themselves. First off is Judd, the only survivor from the original 126 house. He nods at Buck but seems quiet and Buck gets the sense that maybe he’s still carrying that day with him; Buck knows he would be. Mateo is the Probie and then there’s Marjan - Buck recognises her from a viral video doing the rounds. She dived in to save two people trapped underwater in a RV. Buck 1.0 would probably recognise her as the most competitive; he can recognise it in her. She smiles at Buck though and he gets the feeling that everything will be fine. He’s going to be okay.

He introduces himself to Paul next; Paul’s quieter, it’s like he’s constantly assessing the situation but he seems a good guy.

Buck can see Owen Strand has done what he said; he’s gone for the best of the best and Buck is here, he’s been invited to join them. A part of him thinks this is exactly where he belongs, that finally he’s being recognised as the bad ass fire fighter he knows he is. The other part of him is completely full of imposter syndrome.

He’s the new guy too. He needs to go through the getting to know you experience, let this team that is already a couple of weeks ahead of him find out who he is and how they can gel with him. He can feel the pressure mounting and he hates it.

TK raises a hand in greeting from his position leaning against the table. “You took Cap up on the offer then?”

“Yeah.”

“I was a little surprised when he said; I thought for sure you were just going through motions. You were all about your station in LA.”

“Yeah, I was, but uh-sometimes you have to move forward. It felt like the right time. I just forgot how much I hate first days”

“I get that,” TK says. “We’ve got a really good team here, you’re gonna be fine.”

Buck hopes so. He really does.

*****

His first shift passes without too much difficulty; there’s a false alarm of a fire from a nosy, racist neighbour. Buck had been keyed up on adrenaline, on the rush of finally getting back in the field, and so he was ready for a real fire, not some awful woman. He can’t deny he finds it very satisfying to see Owen perform a citizen’s arrest or how the team responds to her.

He’s used to LA and it 

It reminds Buck of one of his early calls with Eddie and Eddie’s offer to help with his Swedish half if he only knew which half it was. The space where the 118 sat in his heart gnaws and gnaws in the background.

Buck wonders what the hell is wrong with people to be like they are. He sees a lot of good in the world; he can’t deny that at all, but this is a job where you also get a front row seat to the very worst too.

The 126 seem like a great team. Buck knows they’re only going to help him become even better at what he does; and yet he can’t help wonder he was chosen to join them? He can’t help but feel that because they’ve been together just a short time longer they’ve already formed bonds and Buck’s an intruder looking in and imposing on them.

He loves his job, he loves being back on a team. It’s just his heart is aching with a homesickness he didn’t expect.

*****

Eddie

There’s an emptiness in the 118. now It’s strange because Buck hasn’t been there for months, but now he’s gone - now he’s fled the state because Buck had to be that extra- Eddie can feel it more than ever.

Bobby is not okay. Chimney’s not okay - he knows that Maddie’s really been suffering. Hen’s withdrawn and quiet and between Buck and the challenges she’s been having with Karen as they try and have a baby, Eddie’s amazed she’s still coming to work.

It wasn’t enough that Buck had to quit, he just had to move across the country at the same time.

Christopher misses Buck and it’s just another example of how Eddie brings people into his son’s life who just leave a trail of devastation in their wake. Another way Eddie’s failed his son time and time again.

Buck has kept his word so far though; he’s called and emailed Christopher a couple of times, but not Eddie. He guesses they have nothing left to say to each other at this point; he doesn’t even know how to get past this.

Maybe Buck’s right - with time and space, things might improve. They could get to back to somewhere good in time.

Or maybe Eddie’s suspicions will bear out; Buck will start to call less and less, suddenly he’ll have new friends, probably a girlfriend, and Christopher won’t be a priority but he’ll send the odd email, call every now and then and for special occasions. Then it will be just be a birthday call and soon Buck will just be another Christmas card arriving through the letterbox and all Eddie can think, all that keeps screaming in his mind is none of this was supposed to happen.

Eddie’s feelings for Buck are complicated; Eddie recognised that he placed too much reliance on Buck, that Buck is just his friend and he should only expect that. Buck’s his best friend though and their connection runs deep. Eddie’s used to those deep connections; when he was in the army his squad went from acquaintances to brothers so quickly.

It’s not like that with Buck though. The real problem is Buck was there and there was _something_ and then it all went wrong and now he’s gone. Eddie’s been left behind and all that remains is the memories of a hundred almost moments.

Eddie finishes his inventory of the fire ladder and makes his way upstairs. Chim and Hen are sitting at a nearby table and he goes to join them.

“Hey,” Hen says; she sounds distracted though, less cheerful than usual.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” she says quickly.

“No, it’s not. What is it?”

“Karen and I are just facing some complications,” Hen says darkly. Eddie remembers Hen telling them that they were looking at having a baby.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie says.

“It’s fine, it’s not completely over. If it’s meant to be -“ Hen trails off, clearly not wanting to talk about it any further. “How’s Maddie?” she asks Chim.

“Maddie’s fine. She’s on shift tomorrow but we are going for drinks afterwards so that’s good.” Chim pauses, before adding, “Buck starts at his new place tomorrow,” Chim won’t meet Eddie’s eyes, “I was there when he spoke to Maddie last night and he said he’s… well I guess he’s on shift now?”

“Texas,” Hen says to herself, “how’s he ended up in Texas?”

It’s Buck’s first day in Texas; Eddie doesn’t even know what to make of that. It all feels surreal and the casual way everyone’s just let Buck do this makes Eddie want to scream. It wasn’t enough that they got pulled apart by the lawsuit, no, Buck ended up putting over 1000 miles between them.

It’s Buck’s first day back as a firefighter and Eddie was supposed to be there. Buck was supposed to be with them.

Why couldn’t he just wait until Cap said he was ready?

“He’s made his decision,” Eddie says flatly and Chim and Hen look at him in surprise.

“Maybe he didn’t think he had a choice,” Hen says sadly. “Maybe we could have done something. I mean, I suppose I’m happy he gets to do what he loves, but Texas?”

“He did have a choice though, didn’t he? He chose this; he chose to leave.” He chose to leave them.

“We could have done more though, Eddie, come on. He basically only had us and we just - we didn’t do enough.”

“I’m with Hen here. Look, we were worried about Buck, and with good reason, but we knew he wasn’t coping well with being benched - we could have reached out more, especially after the tsunami.”

“No, he’s the one who started a lawsuit and then realised he’d messed everything up and now he’s ran away to Texas and it’s our fault?”

“It’s not about fault, Eddie. How are you doing?” Hen asks probingly.

“I’m fine.”

“You and Buck were quite the team, it’s okay if it- it’s getting to you. It doesn’t matter that he’s not been here for months, I think we all thought he’d be coming back eventually.”

Buck’s left. They need to move on.

He left them. It’s over.

The rage is building; he can feel the hot white heat rising and he can’t do this. Not here, not now.

Eddie shakes his head.

“Sorry, I need some air or something. Last call was a doozy and Chris didn’t sleep well again last night.”

Eddie makes his way down to the locker room quickly. He paces for a moment before sitting on the bench, his hands in his hands.

Everything’s falling apart. Why is he the only one who can see this?

He looks up and realises he’s facing Buck’s old locker. Bosko’s tape has been removed because she’s back at the 136 and now they’re having a parade of floating firefighters while Cap tries to find someone else.

Someone permanent because soon Buck’s nameplate will be removed from the old locker and it will be like Buck was never there. And none of this is what Eddie wanted.

*****

The old junk yard is transformed. It’s loud, rowdy and the whole atmosphere is intoxicating. Eddie takes a glug of his beer, waiting to be called up. Lena isn’t here tonight but none of it matters; the only thing that matters is the fight he’s craving. He can feel the anticipation itching beneath his skin, coursing through his veins. He’s been thinking about this all day.

If he didn’t have this, he wouldn’t have a lid on things. That isn’t an option. His whole life, he’s been expected to be calm and not show his emotions. _Suck it up and move on,_ that was probably his dad’s favourite advice.

It’s more than that too; it’s that emotions should be pushed to the bottom, bottled up. Feeling so openly, exposing yourself and just baring your soul and innermost vulnerabilities to the world? It’s a recipe for disaster.

Eddie could never get over how Buck could just so openly feel; that complete lack of guardedness on his emotions and so openly allowing himself to be vulnerable. He envies it a little, even now. Especially now.

Eddie’s whole life has been expectations and consistently failing to ever meet any of them. He can’t imagine just allowing himself that luxury of unrestrained feeling.

When he was younger, his dad told him to ‘suck it up’, that showing emotions so brazenly was not appropriate, didn’t befit him. There were higher expectations of him; he had to be a man, didn’t he?

Only now he’s a father; he doesn’t want to repeat that message with Christopher. He loves his dad, he knows he did the best he could with the tools he had but Eddie wants better for his son - doesn’t every father? He wants Christopher to feel able to express how he feels; he doesn’t want Christopher to feel alone as he bottles up emotions to a point he’s barely even sure what started him feeling this way, just that it hurts and he doesn’t want to feel like this anymore.

Eddie knows what he’s doing right now is unhealthy, reckless even; this is everything he doesn’t like about himself but what else can he do? It isn’t just about the fighting, about the physicality and release it provides. There’s the way every hit hurts and it’s like a reminder that there’s something beyond numbness and apathy - it’s a punishment he deserves, because Eddie is getting everything wrong in his life. Because he’s never, ever good enough no matter how hard he tries.

But here? Here, there’s a sense of belonging, of purpose.

Sure, Eddie wants to win - he’s competitive, he always has been - but it’s more than that. It’s as though either way the fight goes, that bubbling rage and anger inside him eases for just a little while.

His name is called and he unzips his jacket, pulls off his t-shirt. He’s ready to do this.

*****

It’s late when he returns and he’s pretty sure Carla’s seen through every one of his lies about a drink with the team.

Christopher is asleep, which Eddie is glad of. When he glances at his reflection in the hallway mirror, he can understand why Carla looked at his so sceptically. He looks wrecked; like he’s ran the whole way home and there’s a red mark under his left eye. Eddie doesn’t think that one will bruise but his knuckles, his elbows? That’s a whole other story.

Tape; he’ll have to tape his hands next time.

That’s the thing; he already knows there will be a next time. He’s can feel the itch rising even now.

There’s a new tiredness that weighs him down all the time; he’s been through a war but the last year seems to have hit him harder and he can’t reconcile it. It’s infuriating because he’s meant to be better than this; he’s a father, he has responsibilities.

He can’t afford this self-indulgence.

So the fighting?

He checks his phone after showering. There’s nothing exciting; newsletters he never remembered subscribing to and online shopping notifications for supplies for a school project for Christopher. Then he sees there’s one from Buck.

He opens it, sitting down on the edge of his bed as if bracing himself for whatever it might say.

**Hi Eddie,**

**Christopher said he wanted to see my new place on a video chat tomorrow but I know he’s not with Carla until Thursday. Am I okay to call via you? Say tomorrow night, on shift today so couldn’t do it while Carla was there.**

**Hope everything’s good @ 118.**

**Buck.**

A million thoughts flood through at once, hitting him as hard as a punch. Buck still wants to talk to Christopher; he’s still trying and Eddie can almost see and hear the tentative questions and careful wording of his email, the too deliberate breeziness.

He doesn’t know how to get him and Buck right again but thinking about his former best friend hurts. He can’t believe he actually left them. Everyone leaves, but Buck - Eddie thought he might be different.

Eddie just wishes he were enough for someone to stay.

He toys with how to respond; the angry part of him wanting to tell him to go where the sun doesn’t shine, the rest of him wanting to talk to Buck, to check he’s okay. To just pretend they can go back to how they were before.

Buck’s words before leaving stay in Eddie’s mind; he still wanted them to talk.

He can do this; not for him, but for Christopher. It might be too late for Eddie now, but he’s got to give his son more hope and let him have something better. Christopher shouldn’t expect people to just leave, to feel as angry and empty as Eddie does. No, he can do this.

He types out a quick response to Buck and sends it. A few moments later he gets a text.

**Buck: Okay, thanks. Will call tomorrow. What are you still doing up btw?**

**Eddie: What do you mean? It’s only 11.**

**Buck: Shit, timezones. Not used to that yet.**

**Eddie: Isn’t it like 1am in Texas? Crap, I forgot timezones too.**

**Buck: Yeah, no worries, was up. Just got back from a call and saw your message.**

Eddie pauses, thinking of whether he should just leave things or try and continue the conversation. He is curious on how Buck is getting on and the fight has helped remove some of the noise; and he’s so tired he doesn’t have anything left in him anymore.

**Eddie: How is everything?**

**Buck: It’s good.**

**Buck: Different though.**

**Buck: But good.**

Eddie doesn’t know how to respond. Is he supposed to say that he’s happy it’s good, that Buck has just fell into a good place after leaving? Because he’s not, not really. Buck was supposed to stay in LA, not desert them all.

Eddie puts the phone down and lies back onto the bed, his feet still planted on the floor. He doesn’t have to think about this now. He needs to get himself sorted for the morning, clean himself up and get some sleep. He’s got the school run with Christopher and he can’t let his kid down too.

He thinks one more about time about saying something else to Buck, to eve calling him because Buck is - was his best friend and Eddie knows he needs help. Eddie knows that he isn’t in a good place right now but he can’t do it. He can’t reach out, he can’t move on yet, because Buck’s departure was the last straw. Buck left, like Shannon did, like everyone does.

Eddie’s stuck. He isn’t where Hen is, he can’t be happy for Buck that he gets to move on and get everything he wanted by being back at work and a fresh start.

How could Eddie ever feel like that when the fact Buck’s left is still is an open wound?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I hope everyone is keeping safe and looking after themselves in this stressful and strange time. 
> 
> You can also get in touch with me on tumblr now if you would like to: [My Tumblr](https://lolabee20.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thank you so much for your lovely comments, messages and kudos <3
> 
> I also we a big thank you to the lovely people on the Buddie discord for their support and encouragement and particularly an_alternate_world for helping me brainstorm when I was first stuck with this chapter! I also want to thank all of you reading this for your patience and bearing with me - I know it’s taken me a while to get this chapter out!

Buck

Texas might be a different state, but the job’s the same. Buck finds himself falling into his old job easily and with renewed appreciation. The 126 is a great team and he’s finding that they’re making him better.

The 126 isn’t a family; they’re not the 118. There are no family dinners and while they hang out after work and grab a drink frequently, it doesn’t feel like the 118 did to Buck. The 118 was everything, every single thing in his world. Even before Maddie started dating Chim, joining that 118 orbit by default, Buck knew that the firehouse was more than just a work venue, that it felt more like a family than his own parents had ever felt.

It was over now. He has to move on; leave the past in the past.

The 118 hasn’t left a hole in him; it’s more a gaping chasm of regret and sadness. Overwhelmingly, Buck just feels sad. It didn’t need to go down like this. It shouldn’t have.

Texas is a fresh start though; he’s lucky to have that. He should just be grateful for this. He can’t push it.

Buck never expected to become accustomed to loneliness though As a child, he was used to feeling alone. Maddie left, his parents were his parents and while school was good, home was always somehow empty. Buck had friends though; he played sports, he did everything right but sure, there were times he felt alone.

When he was young he thought being an adult would be different, that feeling alone would be impossible and he could just surround himself with people and everything would be fine. He didn’t know how isolated you could feel around people; how it could almost be like breathlessness. He didn’t know that loneliness physically hurt.

This isn’t unique to Texas; he felt that pull, that stinging twist a long time before then. He just didn’t know what it was and now he does.

Buck looks around the bar; at the cheerful, relaxed crowd around him. Marjan, Paul and Mateo are playing pool at a nearby table. Everyone else seems okay, seems happy and content and thriving.

Maybe it’s Buck.

There has to be a reason everyone leaves him - Maddie, Abby, Ali, the 118 - though maybe that’s what it’s all about. Maybe Texas was him leaving before they could finally separate from him. It was coming, everyone knew that.

TK slides into the stool next to him, breaking him out of his reverie. He orders a mineral water when the bartender walks over and nods at Buck pleasantly.

“That was a long one, huh?” TK asks casually.

“Definitely one of those where you earn your rest hours,” Buck says lightly.

“You got much planned?”

“Nah, I’m still figuring Austin out.”

“I hear that. I mean, I thought when I came down here that I was just going to hate it and spend all my time off just thinking about New York. I thought, I mean I know Austin’s got the cooler reputation of Texas, but the South? I mean, it was a worry.” TK shrugs. “It’s pretty cool though, I mean there’s some good places - more than I thought, just give it a chance.”

“Thanks,”

TK smiles softly, runs his fingers around the glass of water. It’s always mineral water, not even a soft drink and never alcohol. TK might look the All American perfect son but Buck can see there’s more there; that TK’s clearly haunted by his own ghosts.

He should think of something different to invite him to; something without alcohol so that TK doesn’t even have to think about it. Buck’s tempted to pull his phone out at the moment and research possible options. He shouldn’t be rude though - especially after the shift they’ve just had.

Before Buck can say something, a man approaches the bar next to them. Buck thinks it’s a little strange as the rest of the bar is clear, but he doesn’t say anything. He notices TK inhale sharply though. The guy is around their age and the way he carries himself lends Buck to think he might be in some form of law enforcement. He nods at Buck briefly but it’s perfunctory.

The bartender comes over immediately and the stranger orders a drink before finally acknowledging TK, who Buck notices has had one eyebrow raised for most of the exchange.

“Hi, TK.” It’s casual, civil, light and breezy. There’s definitely something going on here.

“Hey, Carlos.” Buck isn’t imagining it then; he is definitely picking up some tension between TK and this Carlos guy. It isn’t just tension either, there’s something else in the background too. Buck smirks to himself as he begins to recognise the situation he is literally sitting in the middle of.

Carlos takes his drink from the bartender and after one last look at TK walks away.

“So what’s the score?” Buck asks, cocking an eyebrow as nonchalantly as he can.

“What are you talking about?”

“There is definitely some chemistry there and I swear I picked up on some history with that guy,” Buck says casually. “You slept with him, didn’t you?”

“How did you-”

“Damn, TK!”

Tk tips his glass of water to Buck and rolls his eyes.

“So what’s the catch?” Buck asks casually.

“I- who said there was a catch?”

“Your face did, TK. And the fact, he’s kinda giving me a death glare.”

“He’s… fine, it’s just - I came out of a relationship before I moved here. It - it’s too soon for anything and he wants more than I do so - put a lid on it, right?”

“I get that.”

Buck’s phone bleeps and Buck pulls it out of his pocket. He looks at the text notification; feeling his brow furrowing.

“Who is it?” TK asks, a hint of curiosity in his voice.

“Uh, Carla.”

“Girlfriend? Ex?”

Buck laughs. “Nah, no, no, no. She’s actually a friend of my ex though and um-she helps look after Christopher. Chris, he’s- “ Buck falters, because really how on earth does he describe the whole situation to someone outside of the 118? “Christopher’s the son of someone I used to work with- Eddie. He’s an amazing kid actually. He’s just really, really cool. It’s uh-raining pretty heavily in L.A so Carla texted me.”

“Nice of them to keep you updated on the weather?” TK looks at Buck quizzically and Buck remembers that he was in the interview, he’ll know about the tsunami. TK isn’t stupid, not by any means.

“The tsunami. I was looking after Christopher that day, on the pier.” Or he was meant to be. Because looking after your best friend’s kid has never meant bringing them to the epicentre of a tsunami, has never meant losing them because you had a hero complex and should have found somewhere better, somewhere that was actually safe for Christopher.

“So… wow.”

“His dad’s got him in therapy but he’s out and Carla texted me because - you mind if I call them real quick?”

“No, no - go right ahead.”

Buck quickly slips out of the bar and dials Carla’s number. He leans against a pillar, taking in the Texas night air as he listens to each ring.

“Buckaroo,” Carla cheerfully greets. “Hey, thanks for calling, I didn’t mean to worry you,” she says in a lower voice. “I didn’t interrupt anything, did I?”

“No worries, I was just hanging out with some of the guys from work.”

“No - you should go back to them, Buck. You’re still in a new town and-“

“It’s fine, I’ll speak to Christopher in a moment and then I’ll go back.”

“How’s Texas going, sweetie?”

“It’s good. I’m doing well, Carla, this was - this was the right call.” Even when it hurts, even when Buck has no clue what his life is meant to be now - of who he is outside of his job. This was the right thing to do.

“Hey, I know. I just miss you. D’you want to speak to Christopher?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

“Hold on.”

Buck listens to Carla calling Christopher, to his excited voice. It aches a bit. Buck can’t help but feel he’s let Christopher down again by going to Texas. He should have stayed because Eddie’s Christopher’s dad and he’s a great dad, but he wasn’t there. He wasn’t at the pier. They might never know what he saw during the hours Buck was separated by Christopher, but Buck knows what was happening at the pier. He knows what he has nightmares about and the visceral fear of that day.

“Buck!” Christopher excitedly says.

“Hey buddy, how are you?”

“I’m good.” A pause. “It’s raining.”

“Yeah? That blows.”

“Is it raining for you?”

“Nah, it’s really dry tonight. So, was the rain upsetting you?”

“No. Not really. I mean-“

“I get it. Sometimes I think about that day when I don’t want to.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. In fact, I sometimes avoid things like going to sleep if I think I’m going to dream about it.”

“That’s not good. My doctor says it’s really important to get my sleep.”

“Yeah, I think you should listen to them.”

“I’m glad you called, I wanted to check you were okay,” Chris says, “Buck, I miss you.”

“I miss you too. But hey, at some point I’ll be coming back to LA to see Maddie and we can meet up then.” Buck has no idea when that will be - it might be years before he really feels ready to come back to LA, but he’ll try. “We could go the zoo, or wherever you want to go? And you can always, always call me.”

“Promise? Promise you’ll come back soon?”

“Yeah.” Okay, so Buck might have to go back to LA sooner than he wants to. For Christopher though? Yeah, he can do that.

“I wish you didn’t have to move for your job. I wish you could have stayed.”

“I know.” Buck doesn’t say ‘me too’ because it’s a lie. He can’t go back to the 118; not now, not ever. That chapter in his life is over.

“I’m worried about Dad,” Chris says quietly.

“Why?” Buck ask, as every sense instantly becomes more alert and he can feel blood rushing through his veins.

“‘Cause he goes out a lot at night -” Is Eddie seeing someone, Buck suddenly wonders, zoning out of the conversation momentarily but his attention being bought back by Chris’ next words, “- he seems really sad, Buck. I think he misses you. You miss him too, right?”

“Of course I do, Chris,” Buck says honestly.

“I have to go now,” Chris says, his tone suddenly distracted, “Carla’s made hot cocoa.”

“Sweet - with marshmallows?”

“Duh.”

“Cool, okay, well we’ll talk later, okay?”

After ending the call, Buck returns to TK who is still sitting at the bar, occasionally looking over at the guy who walked in earlier. He seems reluctant to go over and Buck wonders why; if he likes someone, if they’ve already hooked up then why not? TK returns his gaze to his drink and Buck settles for sitting next to him. Maybe he can find out a little more as time goes on.

“All good?”

“Yeah, sorry for ditching you,” Buck says.

“’S all good. Okay, I have to ask - so you and this Eddie?”

“What? No, no nothing ever happened.“ There is so much Buck could add to this, he can feel the truth swirling in the air around them.

“You wanted it to though?” TK clearly picked it up then.

“Maybe,” Buck says with a feigned casual shrug as he looks away for a second. It isn’t like he needs to be particularly worried about being honest here; TK’s gay and this is one of the most diverse and accepting teams he’s ever worked with. Sometimes Buck finds it still annoying uncomfortable to talk about.

Eddie’s his best friend. Was his best friend.

How do you explain the complexity of Buck and Eddie to a relative stranger - someone who has never seen the two of them together? How can Buck explain he Buck thinks all either of them are left with is regret, bitterness and both are filled with overwhelming hurt? How do you say you’re mourning

Isn’t the most fucking cliched thing to be that bisexual friend who falls for their straight friend? Isn’t it just the worst?

“Yeah, as someone who got called out by you like ten minutes ago, I’m going to have to do the same.”

“He’s straight.”

“He tell you that?” TK asks, quizzically cocking an eyebrow.

“It’s pretty obvious.” Buck shrugs. “He doesn’t know I’m bi either. It’s not a big deal.”

“So, what you didn’t tell anyone at your old station?”

“I was going through a - a phase when I was a probie. That phase involved a lot of women. Like a lot. I was kind of being a bit of a player and they’ve only ever seen me dating women so- it’s cool. I hadn’t met a guy I wanted to date for a while and it didn’t seem like something I needed to say. It’s not a big deal, y’know.”

“But Eddie?”

“Was just my friend. We hung out a lot, with Christopher too so that’s probably why I stay in touch with Christopher. I can’t just abandon the kid after we went through a tsunami. He lost his mom earlier this year. They’ve been through a lot. Eddie and I were good friends, partners on the job and yeah -”

“I’m just saying. I moved from New York to Texas and I’m not in touch with any of my friends’ or ex-colleagues’ kids.”

TK looks around the bar. “Marjan and Mateo are playing pool. You in?”

“Sure,” Buck says, grateful for the change in subject.

****

“I knew you were bad news,” Judd says fiercely as he walks into the station. He’s pointing at Buck and Buck has no idea why. Judd and him are friends; they’ve bonded over their various PTSD issues - that’s virtually the adult equivalent of friendship bracelets.

“Judd, what are you talking about?” Buck carefully puts his mug of coffee down, exchanging a confused look with TK. The rest of his team are all looking between Buck and Judd rapidly in confusion. There’s a sinking feeling, an alarm bell ringing in the back of Buck’s mind. This can’t be good.

“You tried to sue LAFD and your old Captain,” Judd replies flatly, his eyes burning with an anger Buck hasn’t seen before, “I’ve got a buddy in LA - they told me all about it. That’s why you’re here, you lost the suit and that’s why you didn’t go back to your old house. Tell them; that’s the truth, isn’t it?”

The others in the room all react in some way. No one says anything but Buck can see how TK takes a slight step back and they’re all staring at him now, he can feel their eyes on him and this - this was not what was supposed to happen.

Buck will never get a clean break because of that lawsuit, it’s going to follow him for the rest of his life like the scars on his leg - Chase warned him about this, but Buck hadn’t listened. Buck never listens. He should really know better.

“Is this true” Owen asks and by the way he’s looking at Buck, Buck knows everything is about to fall apart.

He had a little while, right? He got to be a firefighter and go out on active duty again which is more than he would have got from the 118. Maybe that makes it worse though; makes what he’s about to lose even more profound. It might have been easier if he’d never gone back after truck, if his last memories of active duty were screaming in agony as he was dragged out from under the truck.

“Not quite,” Buck says quietly.

“So you didn’t try and sue the city, or your old house?”

“No, that part is technically true. I didn’t lose though - I just dropped it and I turned everything down - turned it all down. The whole thing was just a stupid move, a desperate one. It’s a really, really long story. But the simple thing is I regret it,” Buck says, hating how small his voice sounds. So much for a new start. Buck wonders if he should just pack his bags now. The 126 have no reason to trust him; to understand what was behind his stupid decision making. They don’t know him and if this lawsuit burned all of his bridges with the 118, who did care about him once, then it’s surely over before it even started with the 126.

Buck feels planted to the ground; unable to move, unsure of what to say, of how to express it. He can hardly breathe; his chest is constricting and it’s like he’s pinned all over again. Buck can feel his palms are sweating and he wants to run but he can’t.

He already ran once.

He ran all the way to Texas and look what that did; where can he run to now?

“What do you mean? You said turned everything down? What does that mean?” Paul asks calmly - his tone cutting through the noise in Buck’s mind and the simplicity of the question confusing him even more.

“The money, the settlement. Look I’m not the guy it makes me sound - I didn’t do it to cause trouble or get money. I just wanted my job back, especially when there was no reason to keep me from it.”

“So they wanted to settle? They made an offer?”

“Yeah, they offered me some money but why does that matter? I mean-“ Why is Paul going on about the settlement offer - what does that even matter when he refused it?

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t care that you turned down a couple of thousand when the whole point is you tried to sue your department, I don’t care if you dropped the thing. You tried to sue your department!” Jude says firmly. “He broke the code.”

“An offer means he had a case,” Paul says quietly.

“It wasn’t a couple of thousand dollars, it was a bit over four million technically. And again, it wasn’t about money - I just thought it I had the suit they’d have to listen and see I was ready.”

“Excuse me? Did you say four million dollars? Like American dollars?” Judd asks, whistling.

“And you turned that down and then moved to Texas to work here?” TK asks, looking at Buck like he just can’t make sense of him.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I’m sorry, who turns down millions of dollars and then moves to Texas? Texas?” TK exclaims as Marjan appears to be fighting back a laugh at TK’s reaction. “Texas, Buck, really?”

“I mean, I just wanted to go back to work.”

“I would never work again,” Mateo says, nodding at TK who seems incredulous that Buck has moved to Texas to join the firehouse rather than run with the money.

“I need to be a firefighter,” Buck says simply. “It’s the only thing I’ve got.”

The alarm sounds; echoing through the now silent room and shaking the team to attention. Buck hesitates and looks at Owen before he makes a move with the rest of the team.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, turning around to see Owen behind him with an unreadable expression. This is it. This is the end of his active career again.

“Man behind, huh?”

“What are you talking about, Buckley? We need to go, c’mon.” He squeezes Buck’s shoulder and Buck slowly smiles back at him and then they quickly make their way to the fire truck.

****

No one says anything else about the lawsuit on the way to the call, during the call or even on the way back. Buck isn’t sure what to expect. He feels like a child outside the principal’s office, just waiting to hear what punishment will be eked out.

Only he’s never called into the office.

The team make dinner together and no one is actively ignoring Buck. They seem to be giving him a wide berth, but what did he expect?

He’s waiting for the next fall, the next setback. It doesn’t come though, not for the remainder of the shift.

Buck can’t make sense of this. It can’t just be that simple, can it?

**** 

Eddie 

The junkyard is becoming too familiar a haunt now. Eddie’s progressed from a relative stranger to a fixture in a short amount of time. When he first came, he was just Lena’s buddy but now he’s Diaz. Now he’s his own story.

Eddie takes a gulp from his bottle of beer. He’s due up later and can already feel the anticipation and adrenaline coursing through him; it’s an itch he needs a scratch, something beyond a mere compulsion. He needs this.

Win or lose; it helps.

Eddie’s pretty sure the rest of his team would have some choice words on his outlet, that Buck definitely would. He can almost here the psychoanalysis from the department psychologists too. He doesn’t need that. He needs this.

The noise, the focus, the pain - even that simple sensation of physical pain - it helps somehow. Logic be damned, if it works. Right? Somehow the burn of a punch, the sharpness when someone makes contact with Eddie’s skin is the only thing that numbs everything else. That can feed this rage and anger and desperation.

His last shift at the 118 was tense; the new guy at the 118 is not cutting it. He’s another floater and he’s nice enough, but he’s slow. Not impossibly slow, not dangerously slow.

~~Slower than Buck was.~~

Apparently pointing this out made him wrong though, according to Hen. Apparently he has give the guy a chance.

Seconds matter in an emergency though. In life. One moment Eddie remembers he was helping a passenger in a car accident and then he saw Shannon and his world turned on its head forever.

Whatever they were when she died, whatever they could have been - Shannon was his first love. He always thought they’d get together, stay together. It was expected, sure, but they had grown up so much together, they’d had a child - a family. He was a bad husband though; he gets that now. It was easy for his family to judge Shannon but he left too. He just had the glory of a war for an excuse. No wonder Shannon had resented him for that.

He let her back into his son’s life and she left anyway. She was leaving regardless - she didn’t want to be with Eddie anymore. That secret, that final conversation over dinner - how do you ever find peace from that? It hurts all the damn time. 

~~And then Buck left too.~~

Everybody leaves Eddie.

Maybe that’s why he’s at the junkyard at this moment. Maybe that’s the genesis of this whole new pathway he’s on.

Eddie’s name is called and this, this is the moment. He walks into the ring ready for whatever is about to happen.

There is so much anger and fury and pain already bubbling in Eddie’s veins - this doesn’t add to it, it barely even takes it away.

He ducks, dodges, lands the hits he needs to.

It’s over so quickly.

One arm in the air; he’s the victor and he can start to feel the sting of the hits he couldn’t dodge. It can’t be over this quickly; it just can’t.

The fights move on and Eddie stands on the sidelines watching. It was a good fight, he thinks. Certainly the reaction from the spectators indicated he didn’t screw up too much.

“Beer?” a voice calmly asks next to him.

Eddie turns his attention from his taped, bleeding knuckles to the man to his side. He’s wearing one of those flashy sports jackets - the types you never see athletes actually wear, expect for maybe the Olympics opening ceremonies.

“Thanks,” Eddie says, accepting the proffered beer. It’s cool and he’s suddenly parched.

“I’ve been watching you. Diaz, isn’t it?”

Eddie shrugs casually, neither confirmation or denial.

“How’d you like to use those skills to make some money?”

“Whaddya mean?”

“I mean, this is amateur hour, but you’ve got something, kid. I run a club, kinda off the beaten track if you know what I mean. You do what you’ve been doing and you could make some money out of it. Upgrade from a junkyard fight to something else.”

It’s an illegal fighting ring. Eddie isn’t stupid. He knows what he’s doing already is hardly the height of legality, but an illegal ring with money involved? Yeah, that’s a progression.

There’s Chris’ physio though, all of the house costs and all of the things Eddie is desperate to give his son. He can’t give his son back his mother, but he can give him the best life possible, right? Money makes the world go around and why shouldn’t he use his skills to help his son, to help his family? He can take a punch, he can take a hit, why not get paid for it?

“Sounds interesting,” Eddie says as casually as he can. His heart’s racing and he’s not sure it’s just the comedown from the fight.

“Great. Well, I can put you on next week? Thursday”

There’s no shift clash so Eddie nods. “Yeah, I’ll uh-I’ll be there.”

“Good. Keep doing what you’re doing now and I think we’ll both very happy.” He hands Eddie a small piece of paper with an address and phone number.

It doesn’t occur to Eddie until after the promoter has walked away that he didn’t even give Eddie a name.

The promise of another fight, of the rush, of a challenge too - because Eddie’s always been able to carry his own in a fight. He can’t not do this. It’s the natural progression.

He’s doing it for his family too. That makes it better, doesn’t it?

****

It’s funny; he started fighting to deal with his emotions, to deal with feeling too much. Fighting was a healthy outlet according to Lena. Eddie needs to keep a lid on things and this was supposed to help.

It’s working too well though.

He can hardly feel a thing anymore.

It’s like he’s been doused in an icy bath for too long; everything feels wrong and he can’t seem to pull himself out of this state. He can’t seem to feel much of anything right now.

Except failure; but that’s nothing new.

Eddie carefully regards the bruising on his ribs from the mirror; it’s still steamed up from his shower but the shades of purple and mottled skin are still visible and sharply contrasting with the towel around his hips. His ribs aren’t not broken so he’ll be fine at work in a couple of hours. He needs to get dressed and then get Christopher up.

“Daddy-“ Eddie doesn’t have time to cover up his torso before Christopher walks in. “Daddy are you hurt?”

“What? No, Christopher, I just uh -knocked into something, but I’m fine. Let’s get ready, huh, buddy?” Eddie pulls a long sleeved top on quickly. “Give me two minutes and we’ll get breakfast, okay?”

“Okay.” His son sounds so unsure and guilt courses through Eddie.

Just another day, another failure.

*****

“Eddie, can I talk to you?” Carla asks, indicating the kitchen.

“Finish your homework, buddy, okay? Then you can pick a movie,” Eddie says, ruffling his son’s hair before he goes to join Carla.

“What’s wrong?” he asks Carla as he leans against a kitchen counter.

“Maybe I should be asking you that, Eddie.”

“What do you mean?”

“Chris told me he saw you yesterday and you were covered in bruises.”

“It - it was a work thing, it’s nothing,” Eddie lies. He wonders when it became so easy to lie, when it got to the point of him saying a untruth so much it began to feel real, like it was the actual story.

“Oh, really?“ Carla responds, crossing her arms firmly.

“Yeah - yes! Why are you looking at me like that.”

“I’m not an idiot, Eddie, I’ve seen your elbows and knuckles recently, I know how often you’re asking me to stay late. I don’t even know what you’re doing, Eddie, but I’m telling you now that your kid is scared.”

”What do you mean?”

“I mean that the boy lost his mother less than a year ago, went through a tsunami and sees his dad is hurt? You might not care what you’re doing yourself, but maybe your son can get through to you.” Eddie’s cheeks are heating up with shame and regret and a hundred other complicated emotions.

“I’m trying not to let him down,” Eddie says quietly.

“Eddie -”

“He needs me to be strong for him.”

“No, Eddie, he needs you to be there with him,” Carla replies softly, gently putting a hand on Eddie’s arm. “Just be careful, please.”

“Yeah, yeah, course I will.” Eddie can feel himself shuffling uncomfortably, the heat still impossibly rising in his cheeks as he processes what Carla has just said

He folds his arms and looks to the ceiling. “I’ve got a handle on this, Carla, it’s all good, I swear.”

Carla touches his arm, a gesture that somehow clearly offers support and a devastating indictment on how much of a handle Carla really thinks he has on matters.

He feels torn. The fighting helps, it’s the only thing and now he’s been offered a chance to get money from this - money they could really do with. If it’s upset Chris, if it’s causing this noticeable impact then what should he do? It can’t be better to let the rage fester - Lena was right there.

There’s no good option, no obvious pathway out of this descent. Eddie’s lost and whatever he does, he’s pretty sure he’s going to be damned. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? I hope it was worth the wait! I hope everyone is still staying safe in this unique year! 
> 
> You can also get in touch with me on tumblr now if you would like to: [My Tumblr](https://lolabee20.tumblr.com/)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry it took a lot longer to get this chapter out than I had hoped. Thanks as always for the lovely comments and kudos - they really do mean a lot to me!  
> As always I don’t own 9-1-1, 9-1-1: Lone Star or anything associated with it.  
> I mentioned this before and while I’m incorporating moments from 9-1-1 and Lone Star, the timeline doesn’t exactly follow the show so just know this is not canon-compliant (I mean it’s fic soo….)

Buck

Austin grows on a person. It’s been six months since Buck left LA and moved to Texas on a desperate whim. He can barely recognise that version of himself anymore.

He feels good.

The 126 has changed everything for him. He likes the team; the way they push him and each other to continually grow. 

He might have thought LA had cemented itself as the place of the weird and bizarre calls but Austin’s been giving LA a good run for its money. There was a solar storm just a couple of weeks before and every shift brings new challenges and adventures.

He likes who he is in Texas. If he was back to defining versions of himself this would be Buck 3.0.

Buck 3.0 is making the most of his life; he’s more mature now and he’s focused and driven at work. Marjan and him may have a bit of healthy competition going and Buck actually really likes that. Buck 3.0 loves his job; he will never not love his job but it’s different. When he was with the 118, firefighting was all he had - yes, he had family and friends but his job was everything?

The lawsuit changed that in so many ways because it made him realise that Bobby might have bene wrong, but so was Buck. It wasn’t healthy to only have the job or to barely care if he lived or died as long with the 118.

He’s different now. He’s even taken in a stray cat called Betty. He’s putting down roots in Texas, which he never expected. Okay, Betty is hardly a serious tie to Texas as she’s portable, but it feels like the start of a life. 

He’s even dating a little - it’s nothing serious but nothing like Buck 1.0 either. If he’s honest, it’s hard to let anyone in at the moment. He hates that he still thinks about what could have been with Eddie, about LA at all. 

He’s coming to terms with the idea of Eddie as a past tense,  _ Sliding Doors _ what could have been - maybe even, what should have been.

He’s okay though.

That’s not to say it’s been an easy ride. It’s taken time, too much time, after the lawsuit revelation for Buck to truly feel at ease in the 126 again, The anxiety crawled under his skin and dug in. It’s fading though; Buck’s moving on.

It’s a good thing.

It’s TK’s first shift back at the 126 and Buck is in charge of the cake. Or at least he had been put in charge of picking up the cake. Technically, Buck is the mastermind of the cake because he had insisted they needed one for a proper welcome back. Buck likes Owen - he’s a great captain - and he is a big advocate of healthy food himself, but everyone knows there are circumstances that demand cake and carbs. TK’s return after being shot? Well, that’s definitely one of them.

He glances at the caller ID: it’s Maddie. He presses accept on the video call immediately. He still has a bit of time before the bakery closes.

Maddie and him still talk; it was awkward at first, she definitely did not understand the move to Texas but now the balance has settled and Buck looks forwards to his calls with her again. He’d been worried they’d stop talking again, like the last time they were separated but that hasn’t been the case.

“Hey Maddie,” Buck says, pushing the sliding door out onto his decked area before going back to grab his coffee mug..

He sits down and the table and grins at his sister. “So what’s up?” he asks. Maddie’s apartment hasn’t changed in over six months; even as a backdrop it’s full of memories of LA and before.

“I’m pregnant,” she says suddenly, putting her hands to her mouth almost instantly. “We haven’t told anyone yet. I wanted you to be the first to know - other than Chim obviously.” She smiles and it’s full of hope and promise.

Maddie’s pregnant?

It hits Buck that he should be there; to help his sister prepare for his incoming nephew or niece. He should crack a beer with Chim and raise a drink to family. He should be googling baby proofing techniques and being there for his sister through the lows and highs.

He can’t though.

Buck isn’t ready to come back to LA. He isn’t there yet and he’s not sure he ever will be. The past belongs to the past.

“Buck? Say something.”

“I’m really happy for you, Maddie. Wow.” Buck’s eyes itch with the telltale sign of tears. “You’re gonna be a great mom.”

“You’re coming back soon, right? There’ll be the baby shower and I want my baby brother here.”

“Baby brother? Really?”

“You can’t argue with me, Buck, I’m pregnant. I nee- I would really like you here, if you can though.”

“Fine.”

“How are you though, Buck? I miss you. I still can’t believe you’re in Texas.”

“Miss you too. I know, but Austin feels like home now, for real.” It isn’t a lie. It’s taken time but Austin suits Buck; he likes the feel of the city, he likes his crew. LA feels like a lifetime ago. 

He can see movement in the background and watches Chim walk into the apartment. It’s almost entertaining watching the mental conversation happening between Chim and Buck’s sister.

“Hey Buckaroo,” Chim says, walking over to Maddie. He looks nervous. Over the past months, Chim has always convenient ‘just been heading out’ when Buck calls, or Buck’s called when he knows Chim would be on shift because helpfully he still has the old 118 shift patterns memorised.

Maddie and Chim love each other. That’s all that matters. That could be enough. Buck misses Chim in many ways; he got the impression Chim was trying to smooth things over with Bobby, that Chim could perhaps see his side a little. Or maybe it was just his loyalty to Maddie. Either way, he makes Buck’s sister happy and Maddie deserves that so badly.

It’s just Buck isn’t sure he’s ready yet

“Hey Chim,” Buck says, “How’s everything going?”

“Good, yeah. I mean, Maddie told your our news?”

“Yeah. I feel kind of weird saying congratulations ‘cause Maddie’s my sister, but -”

Chim laughs. “God, we’ve missed you Buck. You look good.”

“Thanks. I think Austin’s been pretty good for me. I’m going to have to uh-go in a minute because I’ve got to pick something up for my next shift before they close.”

They make small talk for a few more minutes and it’s okay. The sting and bite has dissipated - maybe Buck can come back for the baby shower. It’s his sister after all.

******

“My sister’s pregnant,” Buck says slowly, breaking a comfortable silence. They’ve just finished a call and Buck is using the espresso machine in the kitchen. He knows it’s far too late in the shift for coffee and he probably shouldn’t admit it, but the coffee is  _ really _ good and it’s calming after a call to think about tamping coffee and foam. Even if it is late at night.

Judd looks up scrolling through his phone.“Okay?” he asks.

“I’m not there, I’m here. I don’t know - we lived miles - sometimes countries away - pretty much since I was a teenager, but when she moved to LA I thought - I thought we’d be in the same city a while longer. Only -”

“You got an offer you couldn’t refuse,” Mateo says, mimicking  _ The Godfather _ .

Judd laughs and rolls his eyes as Buck shakes his head.

“Sure, something like that. Is it- is it weird? Like, I feel like maybe I’m letting her down, I should be there.”

“She on her own?” TK asks gently.

“No, no. Chim’s a really good guy.”

“So it’s just more that you’re further away while she’s moving on with her life?” Marjan asks.

“Yeah, I guess. Ignore me, I clearly just need some caffeine.”

Buck takes a gulp of the steaming cup of coffee. “S’all good.”

His phone rings and Buck stares in surprise at the caller ID.

Eddie.

Why is Eddie calling him? Perhaps it’s Christopher but it’s really late for him to be calling in LA.

Buck picks up the call as Paul looks at him with curiosity. Buck never fails to be struck by the way Paul never misses anything.

“Hi?” It isn’t meant to come out as a question, but it does.

“Buck?”

“Yeah, Eddie?” In the background, Buck vaguely notices Paul making an ‘everything okay?’ gesture. He nods and Paul makes a face at Judd before Buck walks out of the kitchen area, leaving his coffee cup on the side.

“Uh huh.”

“Is everything okay? Is Christopher okay?”

“He’s fine, that’s why I called actually. He’s going to summer camp in a few days and I thought you’d want to speak to him beforehand so I wanted to tell you in case you didn’t know.”

“Okay?” It’s a question and Buck hates that it’s a question.

“I don’t know how I’m going to do this,” Eddie says after a moment, “I basically begged Bobby to give me overtime.” It’s the most Eddie’s confided in him in months. He sounds different; Buck can’t put his finger on what it is, but there’s something.

“I bet.” Buck’s finally out of the station and in the cool evening air. He leans against the brick wall, digging his other hand in his pocket.

“So - uh, how’s Texas?”

“’S good. I can’t believe how much I was paying my apartment in LA and here? Like, it’s unreal.”

“Tell me about it. When Chris and me moved I couldn’t believe how bad it was. Then again we didn’t have exactly go straight for the loft with a fancy terrace.”

”Blame Ali,” Buck says with a grin, “It was a pretty good apartment. And in fairness, it only had one bedroom.”

“Semantics.”

“Fancy word.”

“Yeah, well, gotta try and keep up with Christopher.” Buck’s missed this; this easy flowing conversation, the knowing teasing that lacks any maliciousness. He shuts his eyes and for just a second, he could pretend none of this happened.

It did though.

Living in the past is no one’s friend. Buck’s moved on. He needed to move on. He can’t do this.

“So, he’s going to camp?” Buck says.

“Yeah,” Buck can hears the wistful note in Eddie’s voice. This must be hard; Buck can barely process that Christopher’s going to camp but Eddie? Christopher’s his entire world now.

There’s so much Buck is missing in LA. Maddie’s pregnancy, Chris growing up, everyone’s moving on and away from him. Maybe that was what he needed. It certainly wasn’t what he wanted.

Moving on is all good and well and yes, Buck might be in a far better place than he was. He just hates that moving on means leaving things behind.

“This is weird.”

“Yeah, it is, Eddie.”

“It’s not the same without you.” Eddie’s voice is quiet and for a second Buck wonders if he’s heard correctly.

No, no, he can’t do this. He’s on shift and this - he can’t go there.

“It wouldn’t have been the same if I had stayed either. I have to go, I’m on shift. I’ll call Christopher in the morning before he leaves.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Safe shift.” Buck wonders if he’s imagining things or does Eddie sound sad?

No, he’s just reading into things - projecting.

He needs to let this go before he twists himself into more and more pieces, before that dull heartache returns with a vengeance.

******

Eddie

The SUV changes everything. Eddie remembers it was a scorchingly hot day and the air conditioning was broken. Again. He was getting worried that Christopher was overheating on the journey so when he saw the dealership sign up ahead it felt like a sign.

Months later and it’s a damn albatross around his neck instead.

If Shannon were here, he can imagine she would have had something to say. She was always better with finances than Eddie. Eddie’s not necessarily reckless with money, not normally anyway, but he just wants Christopher to have everything he deserves.

It doesn’t matter though. He’s got to make the car payments so now he can’t quit the fight club, even if he wanted to - the car locks him with no alternative.  He doesn’t want to stop. It’s been too long now.

The money helps though; it’s an added bonus to this twisted form of therapy Eddie is now fully reliant on. He feels less angry than he did. Most days he feels numb; it’s as though his life is a TV with all the settings turned down. Nothing quite breaks the barrier anymore. He’s empty if he’s honest.

Eddie can barely feel a thing anymore.

Chris likes the car though. They drive through LA with the air conditioning on full and music blasting, singing along to whatever is on the radio and for those simple, short moments everything feels right.

So maybe Eddie isn’t being a complete screw up.

******

Chris is on his way to summer camp. Eddie looks at the card on the sofa next to him. Of course his son made him a card before leaving, of course he wanted to make sure Eddie had a good time while he was gone.

He doesn’t deserve Christopher.

Eddie thinks about the last card he watched Chris make. It was Buck’s birthday card which he’d insisted on posting a whole month before his birthday in case the post to Texas was slow.

Eddie thinks about the phone call the night before. He thought about how comforting and normal it had felt to talk to Buck.

For a few minutes, Eddie had convinced himself the whole year hadn’t happened.

Before he knows what he’s doing he’s pressed the video call button on his phone.

“Hey,” Eddie says, trying to make his voice sound calm, collected and cool.

“Hi?” The fact Buck says hello as a question makes Eddie’s heart sink. When did he and Buck become this damaged?

Buck looks different and Eddie can’t get over it. It’s been months so Eddie knows that he should have expected this, but he didn’t. For him, Buck is locked in time with the last moments Eddie saw him; the grocery store and the regret and rage that day, the last time he walked into the fire station and that awkward, terrible goodbye.

It’s not just the fact his hair is different; it’s longer and there are curls showing through that Buck always kept short and styled when he was in LA. It’s the fact that the Texas FD hoodie that should be a LAFD one, it’s the fact he shouldn’t look this damn good.

Buck’s gained some weight and his arm muscles frankly look so developed they would be frankly at risk of splitting his shirt fabric if he flexed.

That’s not what really hits Eddie though. Buck looks lighter - like a massiceweight has been lifted and was that weight the 118 or Eddie? Why does it hurt him so much to see Buck look happy? What’s wrong with him?

“Is Christopher okay?” Buck asks. “How’s his camp? Has something happened?”

“Yeah - yeah he’s fine. I just - I wanted to talk to you actually.”

“Huh,” Buck says and Eddie watches him move towards a door and close it.

“Is it a bad time?” Somehow it hadn’t even occurred to him that Buck might have company. How stupid was he? He remembered some of the secondhand news on Buck over the past few months; he had been dating someone but Chim had said that Maddie thought it didn’t sound serious.

“No, no, it’s fine.”

“It’s not - it’s not fine, is it? I miss being able to talk to you.”

There’s a silence.

“I miss talking to you as well.” Buck sighs and looks at Eddie. “This wasn’t all me, Eddie, you made your choices too.”

“Yeah, and then you took out a lawsuit and you didn’t even tell me.” He hates that he couldn’t stop himself adding that; that he can’t just let things go. “I had to hear from Bobby - he had to tell me why I couldn’t talk to you.”

“I guess this is what it comes down too, huh?”

“I was trying to get back to you,” Buck snaps, “are you that freaking obtuse, Eddie? Why do you think I was trying so hard?”

Oh.

Oh.

It hits Eddie then. It’s funny; eight words can suddenly reframe months and months of questions, of pain. For both of them.

“To uh- all of you,” Buck adds suddenly, a nervous expression on his face.

“I may have projected some stuff onto that,” Eddie says after a moment.

“You think so?”

Eddie thinks about it for a moment; about the way Buck’s lawsuit somehow ached like Shannon leaving the first time.

They weren’t just friends.

“We had something - I didn’t make all of that up, did I?” Eddie says, hating the tone of wistfulness in his voice. 

“No, Eddie, you didn’t.” Buck sounds sad; he’s looking away from the phone, avoiding Eddie’s eye contact. “We definitely did - it’s just - bad timing, I guess. There was something though, for sure.”

A cat wanders into the view of the phone camera, nudging its head against Buck’s.

“Chris mentioned you had a cat.”

”Yeah, Betty’s the best.”

“Betty?”

“You don’t think she looks like a Betty?” Buck holds the cat towards the screen. The cat glares at Eddie with gleaming green eyes.

“No, no, I believe you. Definitely a Betty.”

“Yeah, she’d been left outside and was a stray and I mean, who could abandon her?” This is Buck all over; this is his best friend. God, he misses him.

Eddie thinks of what could have been. They had something. They could have been something real. The way he felt about Buck, the way he still feels - that’s not just desire or lust, that’s not friendship alone. There was substance there.

“Why’d you leave?” Eddie asks, the words escaping before he has a chance to stop them.

“Eddie, I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t stay after the lawsuit - I mean, the wreckage that caused? There was- there is no coming back.”

“Why’d you go through the lawsuit in the first place then?” Why hadn’t Buck called him?

“I mean, I screwed up with the lawsuit. There wasn’t anywhere to go, I just - Chim came back so quickly and I felt like Bobby was keeping me from a job I knew I could do. I wanted to get back to you guys so badly that I didn’t even realise I’d obliterated the way back in the process. I mean, everything happens for a reason right? Texas is pretty good and -”

“You’re acting like you had nothing left in LA and you did.”

“Eddie, you and I aren’t the same. You have Chris and your family and I - I had the 118, Eddie. And then I didn’t.”

“That’s bullshit. You had me and Chris. You had Maddie.” He can’t pretend it’s different; Buck had family, he still had the 118. So what if he couldn’t have been a firefighter, he could have been there. They could have been something.

“I’m good at one thing, Eddie, well maybe two -“ There’s a wry smirk and for a second Eddie can only think what if-

“Buck!”

“I’m just saying, firefighting is where I can make a difference and where I belong. I couldn’t process the idea of not having that and let’s be real here, I’ve worked in Texas for months and I’m still here, I’m not a liability. I mean I cut my arm once and it was a nothing really.” Buck runs a hand through his hair and for a second Eddie can see Buck’s facade drop just a little. There’s more to that story.

“Bobby said-” It’s weak though. Buck has a point; he’s worked in Texas and surely that proves there was a point - maybe Buck could have come back to the 118. The problem is, the 118 is a family. Families try and protect each other. Maybe Bobby wasn’t entirely being objective.

“None of us come out of the past year well, it’s what I’ve realised with some distance. Bobby fucked up, so did I and I’ve paid for it. I left everyone-”

“You left because you didn’t want to face up to what you’d done,” Eddie says, that horrid hot rage involuntarily churning in his stomach. “You’re in some fancy fire station in Texas so don’t act like you’ve really suffered.”

“I’m sorry, Eddie. I’m not perfect, I’m sorry I screw up when you and everyone else don’t!”

“That’s not true,” Eddie says, “I screw everything up all of the time. I’m -” he pauses. “I’m fighting.” He can’t believe he’s said this. Maybe it’s because Buck is hundreds of miles away so it’s like he’s a world away from Eddie’s reality and maybe it’s because Eddie doesn’t want to fight with Buck. When he sees Buck, when they talk, it’s familiar and a reminder of what Eddie wants back.

“Fighting what?” Buck asks, that infuriatingly intoxicating look of confusion on his face.

“Like off the grid fighting. In a -“ Ring sounds particularly seedy and it’s hardly a group. Eddie flounders for the right words. ”I don’t know, it’s decent money and -“ Eddie waves his hands as if that’s enough.

“Hold up, you’re in a fight club? Like a ‘the first rule about fight club is-“

“Shut up, Buck. It’s just an off the grid kind of outlet and people watch and sometimes I get money.”

“You know you’re talking about a fight club, right?” Buck says, humour dancing in his eyes. His eyes - how the hell can they still look like that, still pull Eddie in?

“I hate you.”

“Eddie,” Buck says, his tone suddenly serious, “this is a joke, right?”

“No. Lena took me to this junk yard and then some guy offered me a shot at some fights and - turns out I have some rage.”

“Fuck, this is my fau-“

“No offence, Buck, it’s not about you. It’s me - I thought it was helping so I did a few more and now - I don’t know, Buck, it’s a lot.”

“I shouldn’t have left.”

“Not about you, I would have done it anyway, Buck. I was on that path for sure.”

“It doesn’t sound like it’s helping. No offence but you look wrecked, Eddie, I thought it was Chris going to camp but - you don’t look like this is helping you.”

“I’m not sure it is. I thought it was but it doesn’t do anything but keep me - keep me numb,” Eddie confesses.

“So stop?” Buck asks. He’s stopped absentmindedly tickling Betty’s chin now and has a stone cold sober expression.

“I don’t know how to stop,” Eddie says, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Do you even want to?” Buck asks. Eddie wonders when they reversed roles; when Buck became the mature, pragmatic one and Eddie became so reckless.

“I don’t know what else to do,” Eddie says after a pause. “I barely know who I am right now.”

“You’re Eddie,” Buck says simply, “you’re a good person, a good father and a good firefighter.”

Eddie notices he doesn’t add good friend and it might not be intentional but he hasn’t been, has he?

“So what do I do?”

“When I moved to Texas, I wasn’t in a good way - I ran away from LA. Let’s be real, I burned bridges and I couldn’t stick around. Be better than that, Eddie, you’re better than that.”

“I’m fighting in an illegal ring, Buck. I leave my kid with Carla and go and kick the shit of a stranger because I’m so angry and sa- I’m clearly messed up.”

“I said it earlier, Eddie, we all fucked up with the exception of Chris and Carla and maybe Maddie.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to stop? You said you don’t know what else to do, not that you want to do this.”

Eddie sighs, runs his head through his hands, “I feel lost, man. Everyone leaves. Sharon left-”

“She died.”

“She was leaving me anyway, Buck and-and you left.” What’s wrong with him? Why can no one stay for him? Eddie looks away, looks at a photo on the mantlepiece of him and Christopher. Even Christopher’s going away to camp and he’s happy for him; but without him here it’s just a chasm that Eddie doesn’t know how to fill.

“I should go, Buck.”

“Eddie, we can talk about this, you know.”

“Yeah.” Eddie’s voice sounds so flat, even to himself.

“I’m - can we talk again, Eddie?”

“Yeah, I’ll call you. You should uh- get on with the rest of your evening.”

“I’m serious, Eddie, call me. I’m on an overtime shift tomorrow but just call me whenever. If you want to, you can stop fighting, Eddie. Fuck, you’re like the bravest person I know.”

He’s not. Buck’s not seen it but Eddie knows that he isn’t the same person Buck knew in LA.

Eddie doesn’t even recognise himself anymore.

**********

Eddie’s tired. He’s tired of fighting.

He’s so tired all the time and no matter how much he sleeps it doesn’t help.

Tonight’s fight feels wrong. His conversation with Buck just hours before is still haunting his thoughts and Chris is away at a summer camp. Christopher was excited about the camp and Eddie couldn’t get his head around the reversal in roles that his son was the one telling him he’d be okay and it was just two weeks.

He was on the phone signing up for extra fights the moment the bus left the parking lot and barely had the energy to hate himself for it. He couldn’t even tell Buck that on the phone; Buck seems to think Eddie is brave and can face this and Eddie couldn’t even summon the words to say ‘hey, actually I need to get off the line because I have a fight in two hours’.

He can’t even summon the energy to be made at himself for that.

He can feel the tiredness in his bones.

Eddie looks at his opponent for the night and wonders what his story is as they get into position. Who are these people he’s surrounded by and fighting with? Are they like him?

The fight starts and it’s nothing new. It’s the usual dance of jabs, ducks and surviving. That’s all Eddie’s doing now, isn’t it?

This isn’t living. It’s barely even surviving.

He can do better. He needs to do better. He’s a father and he should be better than this. He’ll stop, he can stop. He can be a better dad to his son, a better firefighter, a better friend. Maybe he can make things right with Buck and maybe he can’t; there was a hint they might be able to work through this earlier. He can learn though and this? This isn’t learning.

Buck asked if he wanted to fight and he knows now that he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to do this anymore.

He wants to stop.

He’s  _ ready _ to stop.

The hit comes out of nowhere.

Eddie feels the moment he meets the ground, feels the way he’s not really feeling much of anything right now. The way the darkness is setting in and that tiredness is finally starting to abate. 

That’s the thing about a fight, isn’t it? You win some, you lose some.

And this - this feels like the end.

There was so much left to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry? *Carefully retreats* I will aim to get the next (and final) chapter out with a shorter gap!
> 
> I hope everyone is keeping safe and looking after themselves in this incredibly stressful and strange year!
> 
> You can also get in touch with me on tumblr now if you would like to: [My Tumblr](https://lolabee20.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone is keeping safe and looking after themselves in this stressful and strange time.
> 
> You can also get in touch with me on tumblr now if you would like to: [My Tumblr](https://lolabee20.tumblr.com/)


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